This past week has been phenomenal. So many blessings have found their way to me and I am so grateful. I wish I could explain even just a portion of the events, their significance, and my gratitude, but I fear I would not adequately explain. Nonetheless, I will attempt to.
First things first, I got my car back and he's running beautifully again! I hadn't quite realized just how much I take my car for granted until it was gone for a few days. Rexburg isn't very big, and everything I need is basically within reasonable walking distance, but I truly began to appreciate the effectiveness of my car getting me places faster. It wasn't that I disliked the walk, it simply just took a lot more time than I was used to.
I also got a part-time nanny job! I work just two days a week and I get to play with the cutest little girl and soon-to-arrive baby boy. Seriously, what better job is there!? I love it. I have been so incredibly in love with children as of late. My friend *S* told me I was baby crazy, and I denied it because that's a little bit crazy at 18 years old, but it's probably true. How can you not love babies and little kids?! They are seriously one of my favorite things. He also thought it was weird that me and my friend *M* once cried over baby shoes in the mall. How can you not love baby shoes and clothes?! They are so little and precious! Girls are just weird, I guess.
I also got another childcare gig for a mother who needs a sitter two days a week as well, except the days fluctuate. I am so excited. Best way to make money ever.
My psychologist sent me to see a new doctor that he works closely with in order to get a better prescription for me. They spoke on the phone right before my appointment, and it was the first time that I really felt like doctors where really trying to help ME on an individual basis. The two of them discussed my situation and had a general plan of replacing my Paxil with a newer SSRI and then a fast-acting tranquilizer for panic attacks. My doctor came in and started asking me about my sleep patterns. We talked for awhile about how crazy my sleep patterns have been and how I can see that it had been something that I had struggled with for as long as I can remember. He told me that based on my answers, he thought it might be a cyclothymia issue. I had no idea what that was, but he explained why he thought it was and how maybe a dopamine-reuptake-inhibitor would help me more than a serotonin-reputake-inhibitor. We discussed the options of doing that, or just switching out my Paxil. We ended up going with the DRI because it would take less time to see if that was the case. I went home and immediately researched cyclothymia. Turns out, it is a type of bipolar disorder. Bipolar disorder. For some reason, I somehow got it in my head that bipolar disorder is like, the worst. I have no idea how I got this mindset, and I have nothing against it or people who suffer from it. But somehow it was just put in my mind, I don't know. Thinking of myself as bipolar was kind of a shock. I don't really know why, since I have perfectly accepted anxiety and depression. Oh well. I've been on Seroquel since Thursday, and at first I didn't like it because it made me really tired. I felt pretty good on it, but I was never quite sure if it was actually the medicine causing it. I've been taking it really late in the evening because I have been out 'till midnight every night (thats a whole other story that I will get to). Last night, I totally spaced and forgot about it until about 1:30 am. There was no way I was going to be able to function if I took it that late, so I skipped it. I could not fall asleep until 3:30 am, and just woke up at about 6:30 am, feeling like I slept the whole night and showing some signs of anxiety: racing heartbeat and thoughts. This, my friends, I think proves that I have cyclothymia.
I am so thankful for the wonderful doctors I have up in Rexburg. It has been a very long time since I have trusted a doctor and truly appreciated what they had to say. I am so blessed to have been guided to them and put in a point of my life where I can truly accept the help I am being given. Life is a beautiful thing, the way it works out like that. There is a God, and he knows us individually. There is a plan, and we can receive divine help and comfort when we need it. The people in our lives are there for a reason. I am so grateful to know this for myself.
On another totally happy note, I just had a seriously fantastic weekend in Utah.I spent a lot of time with family and it was so nice and refreshing. I think I've really started to realize how grown up I really am. I had wonderful, mature conversations with my aunt and my dads cousin and his wife. I have the greatest family ever. I got to spend time with the cutest little kids and my older cousins that I don't get to see very often. I got to get to know my dads cousin and his family for the first time. I got to hear stories about my dad as a kid from my aunt. She talked to me about parenting and growing up. It was so nice! It was something that I had never quite experienced. Usually the adults do the talking and the kids go downstairs and play. This time, I was the adult. I was by myself and I did both roles. I am so thankful that both families let me stay with them while I have been in Utah, and drove me around, and fed me. I have developed stronger relationships with them, and I am truly grateful for that.
I also spent a lot of time with another person while I have been here in Utah. Basically, the story goes like this:
Once upon a time, a girl had a roommate. This roommate had a friend. This friend was a boy. Girl decides she likes boy. Boy notices girl likes him. Girl accidentally spills her entire feelings for him while he is in the other room and overhears. Boy and girl hang out. Boy and girl like each other. Boy moves south. Girl goes and visits. Boy and girl hang out every night and have so much fun.
Annnnd maybe I should leave it at that, hahaha.
During this fantastic story, a situation came up where an discussion regarding emotions and intent needed to occur. If you know me, I immediately try to get as far away from talking about personal emotions and feelings and experiences. I do not like it, and I never have. Well, without disclosing what exactly what discussed, or the outcome, I can say that I am very proud of how much I have grown these past few months. Not only did I communicate my personal thoughts and feelings, but I was able to truly listen and understand the other side. This, my friends, is monumental! I know, without a doubt, that I have experienced the trials that I have had mentally and emotionally for this reason. It has made me such a better person. I am so much more of an adult now than ever before. I have learned to communicate and understand that it is okay to be vulnerable sometimes, maybe even necessary. I don't think that even just two months ago, that I could have handled that situation in such a healthy way. It was a completely open and safe conversation that really needed to occur in order for any growth to occur on either side. I have learned so much. My Heavenly Father is aware of my needs. I am reminded of something that Elder Neal A. Maxwell once said in the 1998 General Conference,
“Because God wants us
to come home after having become more like Him and His Son, part of this
developmental process, of necessity, consists of showing unto us our
weaknesses. Hence, if we have ultimate hope we will be submissive, because,
with His help, those weaknesses can even become strengths. It is not an easy thing, however, to be shown
one’s weaknesses, as these are regularly demonstrated by life’s circumstances.
Nevertheless, this is part of coming unto Christ, and it is a vital, if
painful, part of God’s plan of happiness."
What a beautiful thing life is.
