Time Flies Tuesday

Today was so busy! It is only 10:30 in the evening and I'm literally ready for bed: face washed, teeth brushed, pajamas on. This, my friends, rarely ever happens.

Today I saw a lot of crows! Have I mentioned my intense love of crows? Well. I love crows. I talk to them and take pictures of them and follow them whenever I can. People usually laugh or look at me funny, but I just remind myself that they don't understand the greatness of the majestic black bird. These two specific crows were too cute in a tree, sitting together and calling out to the crow in the tree across from it. I just about had a fit over how adorable they were.

My day started with really really strange dreams, which is not extremely unusual for me. I dreamt that my mom cut her long, black luscious locks all the way to her chin. (When I told her about it, she said that is more accurately described as a nightmare.) I woke up and decided that I really wanted to cut layers in my hair. I posted on Facebook asking what my peers thought of it, even though I had basically set my mind to it anyway. As soon as I got home from class, I called the salon across the street and they had an appointment open right there and then. Sold! I ran over and chopped a ton of hair off. Usually I'd be devastated over the amount of hair on the floor, but I think the decision was so spontaneous and a much needed change, that I gladly accepted it. I love it! It seems short and way thin now, but everyone loves it, and I am way happy with it. My hair can hold curl again! Super fun and bouncy and light and different. I'm so excited to play with it! I'm excited. Here is a picture of it:

Today in my foundations capstone class, we had a case scenario that we had to discuss regarding pornography. It was a really interesting discussion and case that really opened my eyes. A lot of people are more unforgiving than I had thought. I do not condone the use of pornography in any case, but a lot of people said that they would leave a relationship if they found their significant other engaging in related behavior. I was so shocked. Is forgiveness and repentance not a significant foundation in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints? Is it not perfection that we are demanding, but the striving and potential for perfection what we are after?  I don't know exactly where I'm going with this, its a little bit of a mature subject, but it really opened my eyes. We watched a video about Ted Bundy and how violent pornography influenced the numerous violent murders he committed. I know that his case is the worst case scenario, but it really brings to light how destructive it can be. If you are interested in this video (which I definitely recommend watching!), it can be found at  http://www.focusonthefamily.com/popups/media_player.aspx?MediaId={710D67E8-7AFB-411F-8A37-503EA8B69B5B} . 

Today was also extremely productive and extremely fun, apart from the haircut and interesting class discussion. I found out that my car repairs will not cost as much as I had thought! That was such a blessing. Instead of the engine belt needing replacing, it is just the sensor. Still have to pay a couple hundred dollars to get it replaced, but its' still about half as expensive as a new engine belt. I am so blessed for that! I also went and paid of balances at the community care that I absolutely refuse to ever go to again. I got lunch by myself, and it was delicious. I scheduled an appointment with a new doctor that my psychologist wants me to see. I signed papers at the housing office regarding my financial aid and payment for fall semesters rent. Lots of grown-up business was done today. After all my errand were done, *C* and our new friend *M* went and played Xbox with complete strangers and made even more new friends! It was way fun, I don't know about them, but I really enjoyed myself. I don't know the last time I just had fun with complete strangers, so I know I am getting better emotionally-wise. After we played Rock Band and Kinect for a couple hours, *C* and *M* and I went to BRC and got delicious frozen custard that was to die for. YUM. Then we went to Sammy's and enjoyed a live jazz band. Why are saxophones the sexiest instruments ever? Gah. Seriously. I do not understand. There were some AWESOME musicians there, and I felt very jealous and in love with everyone at the same time. And got a mint oreo pie shake (which is equivalent to love in a cup. no joke). 

*C* and I at Sammy's

Pie shakes = love.

 

Way good. Gah.

I've been pretty good at updating this. I fear that I  may be posting too often. But at the same time I fear that I won't post enough. So, if you are nice enough to be reading this, bear with me. I'll get into a steady flow sometime here in the future. 

I'm just happy lately. That is the bottom line. I'm feeling more like myself every day. Obviously, there are still bad days and bad moments and negative thoughts, but that is just life and something that I will struggle with as I live my life with anxiety and depression. I am in a good place though. I am able to accept myself and I am learning how to show others the real me and truly allow myself to be accepted. I feel like I have grown so much this past year. Even just this past semester, really. 

Tomorrow I have class again, and then I absolutely HAVE to do my laundry: no exceptions. Blah.

Oh! And I get my car back tomorrow! (: <3

Life is good. I'm getting back into the groove of things. I am so blessed. I have the greatest friends. I go to the greatest school. I am part of the most amazing church. I am loved. I am Ciarra. 

Sugar Induced Coma

I've spent the last four or so days at my roommate *C's* house with her family. I am so lucky to have a roommate who is also my best friend. Especially one that lives so close to school. It was so nice to just go and relax in an air conditioned building. We watched a lot of movies. And by a lot, I mean that's pretty much all we did the entire weekend. I stayed in *C's* brothers room since he moved out recently, and let me tell you, he has the most comfortable bed I've ever slept on. I did a lot of sleeping this weekend too. Sleeping and watching movies. Oh. And eating way more candy than should ever be ingested by a single person. 

Seriously, so much for my goals of eating healthy and stuff. So. Much. Candy. And ice cream. We went to Reed's Dairy and I just HAD to get the double scoop cake batter ice cream cone. And of course, it had to be in a waffle cone! *C* got a large chocolate shake and I think I can speak for the both of us when I say it was sooooooo good. Yum!

Apart from watching movies and sleeping, I played with my roommates little sister a lot. Sometimes I could tell she was annoying *C*, but I loved every second of it! I never had any little sisters, so getting to play with someone else's is always a good time. Growing up, I wanted a sister more than anything. I cried everytime I found out my new siblings were going to be boys. That is three chances of hope, only to be shot down and drowned in tears. My mom always told me that I should be glad I didn't have a little sister who would always try to get into my stuff. She's probably right, too. After you grow up as the oldest and the only girl, you get a little bit spoiled. That being said, I love spending time with *C's* sisters. 


My friend/roommate *K* lives right around the corner from *C*, so we all go to hang out on a few occasions. It was way fun. *K* doesn't live with us right now, so it was like a family reunion! We got to play with her nephew and ohmygoodnessgracious, he is adorable. I need to be a nanny. Or a mother. Either way, I am so in love with little kids, it is getting ridiculous. The kid isn't even two years old yet and he can drop-kick a ball and make baskets and everything. Kid is going to be an all-star athlete someday. 


We also went to *K's* house on Sunday to have a dessert and game night (or what I like to call a "flirt and dessert" night) with the YSA branch. It was so much fun! I didn't know anyone other than *K* and *C*, but we played card games and ate sinfully delicious desserts and laughed and laughed and laughed. *C* and I made s'mores bars and they were heavenly. I could eat them for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. 

Isn't she precious!?

Of course, I couldn't take a serious picture. S'mores bars, people! 

And to conclude our fantastic weekend, we watched yet another movie with *K* and her friend *J*. It was definitely a great end to a great weekend.

 I just recently got back home to my good ol' apartment I call home now. I dropped my car off at the shop because it's slowly just starting to fall apart. Talk about stress. I have a couple hundred dollars in the bank until my loans and scholarships kick in for the fall semester, right? Well. *C* and I had planned on going to Arizona for a week and going to see Phantom of the Opera in Las Vegas with my mom and I planned on going down to Utah to see my friend *S*, buuuuuut, my car repairs are just gonna suck every last dime. So that sucks. A lot. I need a job so desperately. And to sell my plasma. And a kidney and a lung and maybe half of my brain. Wo is me. Such is the life of a college student. 

Until next time!

Introspect

I've been talking and thinking about goals a lot as of lately. I've already talked about my fitness goals and how I hope that by working toward achieving them, I will become healthier and happier overall.

I've been talking to a friend lately and we started talking about age difference and whether or not it is a big deal. I am a firm believer that at a certain age, the number of years you have been alive simply becomes just another number. I believe that once you are an adult, age becomes less of a describing factor of who you are and that age/maturity is distinguished based on the goals you are working toward in that point of your life. This is what made me really think about what I am doing and why I am doing it. What are the most important goals that I am working toward in my life, right now, as an 18 year old BYU-Idaho student? Well. I will tell you!

1. My education. I want to get a PhD and teach at a college level. It is all I have ever wanted to do. It is one of my dream jobs. But I know that I cannot get to that point unless I have done my very best in every level of education. I am working on graduating with my BA as soon as I can because I know that I have a very, very long road of school in front of me. 
2. Preparing now to be the best wife and mother I can be. The one I want most in this life is a family of my very own. I often joke that I want 11 kids so I can have my own baseball team. haha. But, in all seriousness, one of my absolute worst fears is getting married and having a family and then suddenly realizing that I know nothing about maintaining a household. What happens when I don't know how to cook, or clean, take care of children? Eeek. It scares me. I don't feel very prepared right now, and so I am trying to fit time into my crazy college schedule to actually make homemade meals and to clean according to how it really should be done (rather than just doing enough to pass clean checks). I feel like this category not only relates to me as a homemaker, but as a person too. Coming to terms with my own emotions and learning how to handle them has been a huge part of my life over the past few years. Becoming physically fit. Spiritually opening myself to all of God's guidance. Which, by the way, leads us into the third goal.
3. Temple marriage. Now, my friends, this is where my conversation with my friend got interesting. Apparently I'm mature for my age in that I do not mean this as get-married-as-soon-as-possible-as-long-as-he-can-take-you-to-the-temple. I feel like a lot of people in the LDS faith tend to get this idea into their heads. We get told all of the time to prepare for the temple, marry a righteous priesthood holder, etc. Friends. This is not what we should be focusing on. Let us focus on being WORTHY to be married in the temple. At all times. Not just when we get serious with someone and think, "Oh hey, I should probably get on that." Whether we are married in this life or the next, we are promised that we will all have the opportunity. I am guilty of joking about needing to get married in the Phoenix temple first, or that my ring finger feels a little empty, or other silly little things about marriage, but in my heart I know that that is not the sole focus. I want to be worthy to be taken to the temple. Worthy to win his heart over. Worthy to start a family and make covenants with the Lord. Temple marriage is my ultimate goal, but my happiness does not ride on whether I have a rock on my left hand or not. (obviously, I wouldn't complain... :P but I hope you see what I mean.) 

I will step off my comfy little soapbox now. But these are the main things that are driving me in my life at this moment. Maybe I am really mature for my age. Maybe I am normal. Maybe you think I'm crazy. But I can almost guarantee that you can trace the majority of my actions and decisions back to these three main goals if you really thought about it. 

What are your goals? Can you trace back your choices to coincide with them? What things can you change in order to better align yourself to reaching them?

Well. I think I have had at least 4 different blogs over the past few years. I cannot ever seem to keep up with them.. BUT. I am turning over a new leaf and making all sorts of life changes this summer.

I am currently up at BYU Idaho for the seven week summer break. I decided that since I am only taking two classes and have very few friends up here, that I should make good use of my time by making and keeping some goals. I decided that I am cutting out all caffeine, energy drinks, and soda from my life. I am also committed to getting into shape again. I am training to run a 5k in under 30 minutes (which I know is totally possible, but i HATE running. So it's a big deal for me). I have become so out of shape and bleh since I was home in the winter. I was literally sick and bed-ridden for four months straight. You would think that it would cause someone to lose weight, right? Wrong. Muscle goes away and all that chocolate pudding catches up to you fast.

My goals are mostly about fitness/wellness because I feel like getting back into shape will positively influence all other aspects of my life.

This past spring semester I struggled with anxiety and depression like no one's business. I had a severe panic attack while watching the NBA finals right around midterms, and literally thought I was dying. The whole left side of my body tensed up and I got light-headed, shaky, and confused. My heart was beating irregularly and I was just overcome with this sense of something was really really wrong. My roommate Christa took me to the hospital and they gave me some good drugs. It was after this experience that I realized that I had been living with anxiety for basically my whole life, but it had never gotten quite that bad. I was a mess for a week after that. I could not do ANYTHING without having a panic attack. . I finally decided that I did not have time to let this control my life, so I went to counseling.  That next week I absolutely lost it. I could not get myself to get out of bed in the morning. I had no desire to do anything. I stopped making an effort with my friends, stopped going to church and FHE, stopped going to class. I just sat and cried all day. I realized that maybe I had been dealing with some depression issues for a while too and I told my counselor. He gave me a prescription for Paxil.

It has been an extremely hard semester. My grades suffered. I felt alone in a crowded room with some of my closest friends. The worst night was the night before the Fourth of July. I got so fed up with the suicidal thoughts and negative feelings and how everyone was just telling me to "just be happy!" Seriously. If I could just be happy, I think I would have done that. It was probably 2am and I was just laying in bed sobbing, so I decided to drive up to the Rexburg Temple. On the way there I was just hoping and praying that someone would just hit me. When I got to the temple, I felt so guilty for the negative thoughts in my head that I felt even worse. I finally called my friend Marissa and just sat in her living room in the dark and just cried and spilled everything in my head. Poor girl, she just stroked my hair and didn't know what else to do.

Since then, I've been getting better. I still have days that just entirely suck. I still look at pictures and videos of me and long to be that happy and free-spirited again, but I know that this experience will make me stronger.I needed to get my own emotional baggage sorted out. I needed to figure out who I was and why I am the way I am. I got a new psychologist and he is really helping me to come out from behind the walls I've built around the real me. My self-confidence is slowly returning. I know that I have unlimited potential and that my Heavenly Father  has a plan for me. I have faith in the Atonement of Christ and that he felt exactly what I am going through and that I can find strength in Him. I believe that I'm at the point in my life that everything that happens is preparing me for my future as a person, a wife and a mother. This experience has taught me empathy. It has taught me to love myself. It has taught me patience. It has taught me that I have true friends who love me for me. It has taught me of God's love for me. It has taught me hard work and how to get out of bed in the morning even when everything inside me screams not to.

Oh yeah! This relates to my goals because I feel like by working out, I will feel even better. Obviously, all the endorphins will make my brain happier, but I also think that by creating goals that I can realistically meet and achieve will increase my self confidence. Being healthy will make me feel better anyways, too.

Speaking of working towards these goals, I ran nine whole miles straight today. That is nine more miles I've ran in the past who-knows-how-long. It felt so good. Definitely worth it. Definitely a good idea.

If there is anything that I would hope people get out of my blog and and my experience is that there are a lot more people struggling with things like depression and anxiety than you might think. It is kind of a taboo subject, people don't really talk about it. It is a very personal and hard thing to deal with, and a lot of people do not understand how challenging it really is. As soon as I started to open up about what I was feeling and experiencing, friends began to reach out to me and tell me they have struggled with the same things. People I would have NEVER had guessed could be unhappy were. There is a lot more to people than what they let everyone else see. I wish more people could realize that. Nobody is perfect. Everyone is struggling in this life. It is our job to help those around us. Who knows, they might even help us without us even realizing it.